Yet another thing to scold pregnant women about

So, I read this article from the LA times via Balancing Jane (who has a good analysis of it), and I find it annoying on several levels.

Basically, the theory is that the obesity epidemic was caused by pregnant women in the 50s and 60s doing three unhealthy things: smoking, striving to gain as little weight as possible, and not breastfeeding.

First of all, though the article briefly mentions the growing popularity of fast food, suburban culture that leads to more driving, etc., it seems to come to the conclusion that these 50s and 60s moms are a larger cause of increased obesity. I have my doubts about that.

Further, the article clearly states that doctors were telling women to do these things. If that's the case, why don't we call a spade a spade here and blame doctors for the obesity epidemic? But no, we can't do that, of course. Because they're always right (well, except for all those times in the past when they were wrong, but they're right now! So listen to your doctor. Remember, they're smarter than you). It must have been those naughty pregnant women acting up again. Don't they care about the children?

Also, the expert behind the theory flat-out states that overweight women should not have children. I'd rather that jerks not have children, personally. Because, I don't think that being fat is so horrible that we should try to make sure fat people are never born. This is not to say that it's not important for individuals to try to be healthy - I'm a bit of a health nut, myself - but come on. I mean, let's look at this "unhealthy" generation that was born in the 50s and 60s - I know some excellent human beings that were born in those decades! Some of them are even *gasp* fat! And if they want to try to do something about that, that's up to them. But I'm glad they're on this planet, regardless.

There are many systemic causes for the health problems we're currently facing. I think our priorities need to shift to value health more. Blaming it all on mothers is both incorrect and unfair.

The state of me.

For the first time in nearly a year, I am starting to feel "myself" physically. My energy level is up, I have a spring in my step when I walk, all that good stuff.

I have friends who are pregnant now who seem to be feeling fine, and maybe I'm just a whiny baby, but really from the beginning of my pregnancy I started feeling like crap, and pretty much felt that way to varying degrees until, oh, now (over 2 months since I gave birth).

I felt big and sluggish and tired throughout my pregnancy. Then I had to heal from a c-section while caring for a newborn. It's good to put all that behind me. I've been taking daily walks with Anton in the baby carrier. I'd enjoy some different scenery than this subdivision, but at least the weather is nice.

It's odd to me that I can both adore my baby to bits and miss him when I'm away from him for, like, an hour (which is pretty much the longest I've been away from him), AND at the same time miss my "old life." But, that's where I'm at.

Last night, I had quite the ordeal, trying out a new recipe for dinner that turned out to be more complicated than I'd anticipated. Anton was tired but only sleeping in 10 minute increments, then screaming for me, then I'd nurse him, then back to sleep (for 10 minutes). It was really frustrating and cooking dinner took forever. After we'd finally eaten, I felt so exhausted by the whole thing...then I felt depressed that the central challenge of my life these days is cooking dinner with an infant. This time last year, I was working on my Fringe Festival show.

I'm going to try venturing out for longer periods of time, so I can do more creative stuff. I plan to start attending writer's group again, while David watches Anton. I have a lot of pumped milk stashed in my freezer and Anton has been okay with a bottle the few times we've tested it out. I'm hoping to start doing some massage soon, as well.

I've been trying to write, but I can basically only do it when Anton naps, which is also when I need to do laundry (cloth diapers = lots of laundry), eat, cook, etc. I got a dictation app for my iPhone, I'm going to try writing via dictation while nursing. We'll see.

I go crazy without creative outlets. I'd love some tips from experienced artist moms on how to make this work!

My birth story - Part 2: Postpartum

It turned out that Anton had taken such a big breath when he came out that he had a tiny tear in his lung, and a pocket of air had formed. This is apparently not terribly uncommon, and they may not have even known it happened except that they took a chest x-ray because he was breathing rapidly after he was born.

He was kept in the NICU to be monitored, to make sure his lung didn’t collapse. They put him under an oxygen hood. David and my mom and my sister were able to visit him. I’d have to wait until I was able to get out of bed.

Mom had brought some food for everyone, and we visited and ate. After a couple of hours, they moved me to the postpartum ward. David went home for a few hours to feed our cats and take a shower and get some rest.

I woke up at one point, and I heard another baby down the hall cry. The endorphin rush of knowing my baby was alive had worn off a bit, and I began to feel sad. It was unlike any feeling I’d had before – like someone had chipped off a chunk of my soul and put it somewhere far away from me. It just felt wrong. I wanted my baby. The next few hours dragged endlessly as I waited for my 12 hour strict bedrest to end.

Finally, the nurse came in to help me get up, clean up a bit, and then go see Anton. David came back, and went to the NICU to wait while I got ready. I didn’t need the wheelchair they offered. I walked to the NICU – although I felt about 80 years old, slightly hunched over and shuffling along. But I was so, so excited!

When I got there, the nurse told me Anton was doing well, and could be removed from the oxygen for a while if I wanted to hold him. Of course I did!

At this point I would like to say that many of the natural birth – centered material that I’d watched and read while pregnant said that c-sections interfere with the natural bonding between mother and baby. I’ve decided this is complete bullshit. I didn’t see my baby for twelve hours, yet when they handed him to me to hold, it was the happiest moment of my life, and I don’t believe I could have possibly loved that kid more even if I’d had my dream natural birth. If anything, my love for him was increased due to the gratitude that he had made it, after I’d spent so many hours in fear.

He was awake and alert, and looked at me with beautiful, intelligent blue eyes. The feeling was indescribable.

The next day, David and I visited him again in the NICU, and I held him again. They were taking chest x-rays every few hours to determine when he could be released from NICU. This finally happened around 2pm, and then he was put in the room with me until we were discharged from the hospital on Friday.

I got a bad headache from the spinal and was on bedrest for the first 48 hours that we were home. Mom and Becca came and stayed with us and helped to cook and take care of the baby.

Now we are both doing great. I am so thankful for my baby every second of every day.

My birth story - Part 1: Not what I expected

I typed this out shortly after I got home from the hospital, but haven't had a chance to add the pictures and post it until today due to a certain very demanding little someone :)

At about 1:30am on Tuesday, 8/9, I woke up when David came to bed. As I lay there, I felt a contraction that seemed stronger and more painful than the Braxton-Hicks contractions I’d been having for a few weeks. I was somewhat hopeful, but at 41 weeks pregnant a part of me didn’t believe I’d go into labor at all. I had an induction scheduled for Friday morning, which I wasn’t happy about. It had long been my desire to have a completely natural water birth.

After about half an hour and a few more contractions, I wondered if this was the real deal. I began to look at the clock when I had a contraction. They were between 5 and 10 minutes apart. At about 2:30am I got up and bounced on my yoga ball in the living room. At 3:30 I woke up David to give him the heads up that I thought this was it, but that he could sleep a bit more and I would let him know when things really got going. I got my ipod and lay on the couch, listening to some hypnosis for labor tracks that I’d downloaded a few months before. They were helpful, suggesting breathing patterns for the contractions that gave me something to focus on other than the pain. Eventually David got up and began to watch me and time the contractions. They were getting closer together, but slowly. I texted my mom and my doula. I wanted them to be prepared, but I felt that it would be a while before I was ready to head to the hospital. At one point David called the hospital and they told me I could wait and come in when the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. That didn’t happen till around 9am. Still, I was hesitant to go into the hospital. I liked laboring at home.

But after 8 hours or so of labor, I told David I might want to go in to the hospital so they could make sure the baby was still doing okay. We talked to Rene and she suggested that I go in, so that I would have a chance to get settled into my hospital room before things got really intense. She also said that if I hadn’t progressed much, they might send me home.

When we got to the hospital, the contractions slowed a bit. They hooked me up to monitor me and the baby. The nurses suddenly would make me change positions (roll to the other side) during contractions. I wasn’t sure why they were doing this at first. David thought it was for my pain, and asked them if I could walk around or have a birthing ball. They explained that the baby’s monitor was showing “variables” and they were concerned for him. This situation did not improve as they monitored us. They very gently told me that they were worried that the baby was having problems – most likely a cord issue – which was causing his heart rate to drop dramatically during my contractions. And I was only 1cm dilated. A midwife came in, and explained that they would try their best to let me have a vaginal delivery, but they were so concerned for the baby that several things would have to be done to allow me to continue to labor: they would put me on an IV, I had to wear an oxygen mask and a pulse monitor, and they were going to break my water and attach a scalp monitor to the baby’s head.

I was not going to be able to get out of bed until I’d had the baby. There would be no water birth. At the moment, I didn’t care about any of this – I was just worried about the baby. They assured me that it was okay for me to continue to labor naturally as long as we took these steps.

When they broke my water, I didn’t feel the gush of fluid I was expecting. There was no fluid. So they did an amnio-infusion, pumping me full of saline. During this time, the OB came in to introduce herself (I’d only seen midwives throughout my pregnancy), and so did the nurse anesthetist. Once my water had broken, the labor got more intense over the next couple of hours. All of the methods I’d planned to use to deal with the pain were basically no longer an option, since I was confined to the bed. It was difficult. But what made it especially hard was that I was fighting off panic the entire time. I was so, so worried about my baby. I could hear his heartbeat slow on the monitor every time I had a contraction. It was completely nerve-wracking. At times, nurses or the OB or the midwife would come in and stare at the monitor with grave faces. The OB told us that soon we would have to consider “other options” to make the labor progress more quickly, because they just weren’t comfortable letting it go on for too long. Although the contractions felt really intense and close together, I still wasn’t dilating particularly quickly – I don’t think I ever made it past 3cm. I didn’t know how much I could take. I began to shake and even vomited from the pain. My usually squeamish husband held the barf bag for me and didn’t flinch. He and Rene held my hands and talked me through the contractions.

After months of research and discussion about natural birth, David felt skeptical about all of the interventions. He was a bit of a PITA to the hospital staff. But it felt nice that he was trying to stand up for me and my wishes.

As time went on, I reached a point where I wasn’t sure if I could take the mental anguish any more. I told Rene and David that I was beginning to feel selfish. I’d wanted a natural birth because I believe it is (usually) best for mother and baby. But my baby was not doing well – was it right to put him through this? I was feeling like I just wanted him OUT by any means necessary, so he could be okay. It was sad to me that my body was no longer a safe place for him, but that’s how it seemed.

Some nurses came in to check me and I expressed these thoughts to them. They were very gentle and careful with their wording and did not try to pressure me into anything. They did tell me that if I were to make that decision now, it might be a good thing because they would have time to do spinal anesthesia, whereas if I had to be rushed in for an emergency section they would have to put me under general anesthesia, and I would not be able to see the baby when he came out.

This turned out to be a moot point, because just then I had another contraction, and the baby’s heartbeat did not recover when it was over. I heard the nurses say “he’s not coming up,” and then I could hear nothing from his monitor. They began to unhook everything and rush me back to the OR. They were talking to each other and asking me questions about allergies to medications and stuff like that as they wheeled me down the hall. I was in a complete panic because I had heard the baby’s monitor go silent. Later, David explained to me that this was because they’d unhooked it to take me to the OR, but at the time I thought it meant his heart had completely stopped. I was shaking uncontrollably.

The nurse anesthetist was saying there was no time for a spinal and I’d be given general anesthesia. They gave me a few consent forms to sign. But when we got to the OR, the anesthesiologist there said he thought he had time to do a spinal, and asked me if that was what I wanted. I was so panicked by this time that I said “I don’t know!” He said, “Do you want to meet your baby?” I said yes. He began to do the spinal.

One of the nurses was trying to calm me down so I would stop shaking. It was rather scary to be shaking while someone put a needle into my spinal cord. I asked her, “Is my baby alive right now?” And she said “Oh yes! Look, that’s his heartbeat!” And showed me a monitor that said 134. They’d had no idea I thought the baby’s heart had stopped.

The OB came in and they began to prep me for the section. It was all moving very fast. They poked me a bit with the scalpel and the anesthesiologist asked me if I could feel it, if it felt sharp. I could, and it did. He said if the spinal didn’t kick in soon they’d have to put me under general, because they couldn’t wait any more. Thankfully, seconds later it began to work. They asked me if I could feel the scalpel, and I could, but just barely, and it didn’t hurt.

“Look who’s here,” the anesthesiologist said. There was David, in surgical scrubs, holding my hand.

And then someone was telling me the baby was out. I began to hear him cry. “Do you hear that?” David said. “That’s our son. Our son is here.” Anton was born at 2:51pm.

I just kept asking, “Is he okay?” Rene talked me through what was happening – they were suctioning out his nose and mouth. There had been meconium present and they thought he might have inhaled some. He was not taking oxygen quickly enough.

I couldn’t see the baby, he was surrounded by people. They told me he was going to the NICU. They asked if David wanted to go back there with him. I saw David look at me. He didn’t want to leave me, but I really wanted him to be with the baby. Rene offered to stay with me.

They brought me the baby, all bundled up, and told me to give him a kiss. His face was so tiny and pale. I kissed him. Then they took him away. I didn’t see him for the next twelve hours.

Rene held my hand while they stitched me up. I was told that the baby seemed mostly fine, but they wanted to give him some extra oxygen and keep an eye on him for a while. I was relieved.

My mom and my sister had arrived at the hospital just as my section was started. They were in my room when I got back there. They took turns visiting the baby in the NICU. One of the nurses taped a picture of him to my bed.

It was hard to be without him, but what I felt most at that point was overwhelming relief that he was alive.

This does not bode well.

So, happy due date to me! Not much seems to be happening in uterus-land, unfortunately.

Last night, it was around 11pm and I was bored and not tired (this is rare, I usually go to bed around 10 these days). David pointed out that neither of us had left the house all day, and suggested we go for a short drive. Maybe after that, I'd be tired.

So I agreed. Now here's the good and bad thing about our relationship: I'm kind of a weird, impulsive person. David, if anything, is even weirder and more impulsive (in some ways, anyway). So sometimes the voice of reason and normality is lacking in our relationship.

Which is to say, I grabbed David's cat, Snookums, and said, "Let's bring Snookums!" I was mostly joking. But David said "Yes, let's bring her!"

Now, Snookums, unlike my ill-tempered cat (Masha), is extremely tolerant. She is willing to be carted around by humans indefinitely. Also unlike Masha, she's quiet. If she doesn't like something, it's kind of hard to tell.

So we set off, with Snookums the cat, for a drive.

At first, she sat on David's lap, then I said, "Give her to me!" thinking she might enjoy looking out the window. David handed her over, and she looked out the window...and then my lap began to feel extremely warm and wet.

And, sadly, it was not my water breaking.

So, back home we went, where I threw my clothes in the laundry and myself in the shower, and David cleaned the upholstery in his car.

I felt guilty because I think poor Snookums was scared, and that's why she peed. I didn't mean to torture the kitty in our quest for a mini-adventure. I never would have brought Masha in the car, because she howls on car rides, leading me to believe that she does not enjoy them. Well, I guess now I know that Snookums feels the same way.

I said to David, "Okay, next time we're bored, that's what we won't do."

It's kind of scary that we're about to be responsible for a helpless young human.

Birthing bead necklace

This is a necklace I made to wear during labor. I'm participating in an online Due Date Club comprised of women whose babies are due in August. Twenty-two of us opted to do a bead exchange. We each sent twenty-two beads out, and each person got one of each bead. Some people sent extras, so I ended up with more than one of some of them. The ones I sent out are the light blue discs with brown swirls...and I kept two for my own necklace :)

The lion was a special splurge purchase that I couldn't pass up at the bead store. My baby will most likely be a Leo. Also, it is from Russia!

Oh, and yeah, I know I'm a hippie.

Sedentary entertainment

I'm tired of being tired! This last month or so of pregnancy is going to drag. People ask me if I'm ready for the baby yet...I don't really know, but I do know I am ready to not be pregnant anymore! I'll deal with the whole being a mom thing and whatever that entails, I am just ready to be done with this phase!

I have the most energy when I first wake up in the morning (at around 6am - that's been consistent throughout this pregnancy). Thankfully, that is also the only time it's not insanely hot outside, or dark. So I've been going for short walks when I wake up. After the walk, I can't seem to move around much for the rest of the day, which is really depressing for a formerly active person like me.

Yesterday we went to the mall, which was great at first because I had cabin fever, but by the time we got home I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I did get a bikini top to wear in the birthing pool, because I've gotten far too busty for any that I already owned. I'm sure you're all quite excited for me.

Anyway, I finished reading The Blind Assassin, which was the Atlantic Monthly's online book club pick for June. Anyone else who's read it, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

I didn't end up participating much in the Twitter discussions (I'm still kind of learning to use Twitter...it's interesting but not really my online comfort zone yet), but I adored the book! It's really three stories in one - a story within a story within a story, and there is an element of mystery that kept me hooked. It is so wonderful when writers allow readers to figure things out over time, without spelling out all the details.

That's something I've noticed in giving and receiving critiques (and I'm guilty of it too): the tendency to point out any momentary confusion as something the writer needs to fix. It's not as if every single character who is named needs to be immediately supplied with a physical description and an explanation of their significance to the story. It's OK to be a bit confused when you're reading...not so confused that you give up and put the book down, but confused enough that you read on to figure things out!

I think I'll skip the Atlantic's book for July because I'm not super-interested in it and I have a big to-be-read pile going right now. Next up will be Andre Dubus III's memoir, Townie. Now to peel myself off the couch and see where David has stashed the Kindle...

Stockpiling provisions, guarding and snarling.

So, with the baby due to arrive in the next 3-6 weeks, I can happily say we basically have everything we need for him. Right now I'm washing all of his blankets, towels, and clothes so they'll be ready to go whenever he is.

I'm not too nervous about taking care of him at this point, but I am sort of irrationally nervous about my own food supply. As I've mentioned before, I find the concept of not leaving the house for several days/weeks to be a scary one. The idea of not being able to go to the grocery store is especially frightening. Yes, I realize I have a perfectly capable partner who is more than willing to go (he even went to the Winn-Dixie today to see if they had tahini - which of course they did not - to see if he could save me a trip to Whole Foods), but a weird voice in my head says "What if he messes it up and I staaaaaaaaaarve?!?"

I'm used to cooking about 95% of the food I eat. Being vegan in the middle of Louisiana, I don't really have much of an option. But I know I won't be able to keep up my shopping and cooking habits immediately after having the baby. And one can only survive so long on Lebanese takeout (much as I love it). So I've started to freeze leftovers in individual portions. Today I plan on making a vat of lentil stew, and I'll freeze whatever we don't eat tonight. Tomorrow I might make red beans and rice.

My struggle to guard my food from the cats has intensified. Though I enjoy cooking, it is definitely a bit of an effort these days. I feed the cats CAT FOOD twice a day...as soon as they see me open my eyes I'm greeted with incessant, desperate meows. When it comes near the time for their evening feeding, they strategically place themselves near me and give me the intense, unblinking cat stare. I will love them, feed them, and allow them backyard access, but I do not want them anywhere near MY food. The fruits of my labor in the kitchen are for the benefit of David, the baby, and ME.

David thinks the cats deserve more variety in their diet, and that it's cute when they beg at the table. I respond to such behavior by scooping up said cat(s), tossing them to the back yard, and finishing my meal while they look at me through the back door with their wide, pathetic, cat-refugee faces. I'm not falling for it. Stay away from my food. Grr.

What I fantasize about.

1. A big glass of wine.

I know some people do have the occasional glass of wine during pregnancy, but I worry too much, so I've only had random stolen sips of other people's wine since November. I love wine so much and I really, really miss it! I hear it's OK to have a little wine while nursing. So I do look forward to drinking wine again in a few weeks.

2. Intense cardio.


Lately, whenever I see fit women out running, I am overcome with envy. And here's the thing: I never enjoyed running. Also, this is Louisiana and it's insanely hot out. I'm sure I wouldn't be out running even if I wasn't pregnant. But it bothers me that I physically can't run these days without discomfort. My cell phone doesn't work in my house, so the closest thing to running I do these days is a mad dash to locate the ringing phone and get out to the patio in time to answer it before the call drops (thanks, AT&T). And even that leaves me out of breath and sometimes gives me a side stitch.

I also miss Spinning, and thinking about it makes me sad, because I really miss my awesome Spin instructor whose class I'll probably never take again (due to my relocation from NOLA), and my friend that used to go with me every week. I've still got the friend, but our years-long Spinning & Brunch ritual is over.


I want the struggle, the endorphin rush, the feeling of accomplishment that intense cardio gave me. Yoga is great for other reasons, but it's not the same.

3. Tomatoes.They give me heartburn now. I can only eat very small amounts of them. Which sucks, because I make an amazing marinara sauce that I could pretty much eat daily. Yet, the last time I ate it, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like weasels were trying to fight their way out of my stomach via my throat. I guess it's not so bad that my garden was such a failure this year!

Disaster birthdays

My birthday is December 7 (Pearl Harbor Day).

My mom's birthday is September 11.

My stepdad's birthday is August 29 (Katrina day, for those not from NOLA).

I asked my guy if there have been any horrible disasters near our baby's due date, and he mentioned the bombing of Hiroshima...so now I predict that our baby will be born on August 6 (actual due date is August 1).

We'll see if I'm right.

Preparing

As I begin my third trimester, I've become more focused on the fact that this baby is going to have to come out of me...and relatively soon.

When I first found out I was pregnant, it took a while for it to really sink in, especially because the baby was so tiny at that point that I couldn't feel him, and although I began to gain weight immediately, casual observers could not tell I was pregnant. Because of silly insurance issues, it took several weeks before I was able to see the midwives, and I actually sometimes worried (this was among my MANY worries) that they'd tell me I wasn't really pregnant - instead I was crazy and having a hysterical pregnancy.

Um, obviously that was a silly thing to worry about.

Anyway, for a couple of months now it has been abundantly clear, both to me and the outside world, that I am, in fact, quite pregnant. And it's such a huge part of my daily reality that I've found myself having to remember that this is not my permanent state. Soon, I will no longer be pregnant. I will be a full-time mother. And in between those two states, I will give birth.

This is both tremendously exciting and tremendously scary for me. I really hope to have a completely natural birth, probably a water birth (yay awesome hospital with birthing tubs!), but I realize that it will be a big challenge, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. As far as I can tell, the biggest thing standing in my way is my own tendency toward anxiety. I'm worried I'll get scared, and my natural birth plans will be derailed because of my own fear.

So I am trying to prepare myself, as much as I possibly can, to avoid this outcome. Here are some of the tactics I'm using, some very practical, some quite earthy-crunchy. Hey, whatever works!

Exercise - I am trying to keep myself strong, and keep my endurance up. I hope this will help me with the physical demands of labor and birth. I did my most challenging prenatal DVD (which I recently discussed here on the blog) this week, and I intend to keep doing it once a week for as long as possible. I've also been doing my yoga dvds and going for lovely evening walks with my guy.

Meditation/hypnosis - I've found guided meditation and hypnosis to be very helpful in relieving my anxiety. I've collected a lot of this stuff on my ipod and I have done it whenever I felt I needed it. Lately I've been focusing on some hypnosis tracks that are specifically geared toward pregnancy and birth. I was very attracted to the Hypnobabies method but I think the cost is a little much for me right now, so I downloaded a couple of other CDs instead. I know it's not a full program like Hypnobabies but I think it will be helpful.

Childbirth classes - These start in June. I'm excited! If nothing else, I want to meet some other local parents. I don't know many people in my new area yet, and it might be cool to have friends who will also soon have babies.

Red Raspberry Leaf Tea - Okay, okay, I'm a hippie. But I've heard good things about this stuff, and I figure it can't hurt, especially at this point in my pregnancy. Since it's already 80-90 degrees outside here in Louisiana, I've been drinking it iced. My guy bought me a large iced tea dispenser and I made a 1.5 gallon batch of the stuff the other day. I actually like the taste of it a lot. So does he, and he has been amusing me by saying "I think I'll have some of that uterus tea." Ha.

Watching birth videos - I am far too modest these days to allow anyone to take a video of my birthing process, much less put it up on YouTube, but I am very grateful to the less shy ladies of the world who have done so. Watching these videos always makes me cry, but whatever. It is so helpful to see other women do it, and know that I can too!


If there are any books, movies, or bizarre rituals that I should be including in my preparations, let me know!

My adventures with pregnancy workout DVDs

Before getting knocked up, as I think I've mentioned here before, I was a huge fan of Spinning classes. I probably haven't been to a Spinning class since October of 2010. Now, I have no gym membership. When I lived in NOLA, I walked a lot, to do errands and for exercise (at Audubon Park). Now, I don't have a park quite as accessible to me (there are some nice ones in Baton Rouge, but they require a drive). Also, it is getting HOT outside. Yay Louisiana!

My solution: DVD workouts. I have three so far. I've found yoga to be really helpful in easing my back pain and anxiety, so I bought two of those:

Crunch Yoga Mama Prenatal Workout
This is a nice workout for the beginning of the day. The pace is gentle, but there are some great poses for loosening the hip area. This instructor is the kind of yoga instructor I prefer for an in-person class, too - she comes across as calm, friendly, and not show-offy or competitive. For those who are very experienced in yoga (I am not), this DVD might not be challenging enough. But I enjoy it, and I feel great afterward!

Prenatal Yoga with Shiva Rea
This one is a bit more challenging, but very easy to customize - there are 3 ladies, one from each trimester, wearing different colored full-body leotards! It's kind of funny. I found this one a little harder to follow the first time I did it, and had to pause the DVD a few times. It uses more props - blocks, strap, and a chair. Overall, I think it's great, but there are a couple of small issues I have: 1) you are supposed to breathe evenly, yet if I followed her "inhale...exhale" commands, I would not be breathing evenly AT ALL...so I ignore them, and 2) instead of mats, the ladies on the DVD are practicing on these lovely large square rugs...when I work on a sticky mat I have to change its direction sometimes so I can still see the TV.

My third DVD is more of a toning workout:

The Perfect Pregnancy Workout Vol.1
Before doing this workout for the first time yesterday, I was able to convince myself that I was still in fairly reasonable shape. HA. Not so much, apparently. I'm still doing some massage, so I figured my upper body strength was still decent. I also figured I still had a fair amount of stamina and endurance. When I saw that there were two levels for the workout (Beginner and Advanced), I figured I'd be Advanced. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. I mostly followed the Beginner instructions (though I did use dumbbells for the arm exercises) and it was STILL a challenge! In all fairness, when my baby's dad saw the intro portion to this DVD he commented that this woman, while pregnant, could probably kick his ass. She is BUILT. She is also lovely and has a cute accent. And makes me feel like a slouch. Well, now I have a new workout goal, and that is to do this DVD at least once a week for as long as possible. If I can manage to do that, surely I can manage to push this baby out!

*Sigh*

When I expressed concern about whether I would be judged for having a baby out of wedlock, my sister told me to relax because "it is no longer 1952."

Apparently Mike Huckabee didn't get that memo.

Aren't we glad he's not the president? Let's keep it that way.

Brief thoughts on male attention

As a child, I was awkward and weird and desperately wanted guys to notice me.

As an adult, I became more attractive and began to receive the guys' attention and I loved it.

Then I realized that when men think a woman is pretty, sometimes they project all kinds of other qualities on her, which she may not actually have. And when they find out she doesn't have those qualities, they feel tricked and become not so nice.

And then I became increasingly annoyed with and freaked out by male attention.

Now I'm pregnant and for the first time in my life I feel like it's not an issue, because men don't find pregnant women sexy (unless she's pregnant with their kid).

Random men don't think I'm hot and I LOVE IT.

Being pregnant has made me more pro-choice than ever.

Ah, my poor neglected blog! It's been nearly a month! I'm sorry :(

I have composed several posts in my head but none here. Bad Bridget.

Anyway, on to the topic in the title.

I just read this article via Feministe, it's written by a woman who works as an abortion provider. It has inspired me to share my story.

When I suspected that I was pregnant this past November, my boyfriend told me that he would support me in any choice I wanted to make. He knew I was applying to grad programs and he didn't want me to have to give that up to have a baby if I wasn't ready. But we both also knew we wanted children. The question was, is now the time?

Our relationship was (and still is) relatively new, and we are not married.

I honestly did not know what I would choose to do if I turned out to be pregnant. But after experiencing several signs that indicated that I might be, I bought a home test. I remember talking to a friend once a few years ago, who was telling me about her first pregnancy, when she was still a teenager. She said, "once you see the positive test, something in you changes immediately." Her words were in my head as I unlocked my door, returning from Walgreens with my pregnancy test in hand. I took the test, and got a plus sign.

I know not everyone's experiences are similar, but for me, my friend's words turned out to be true. Once I saw that sign (which showed up IMMEDIATELY), something transformed in me. In fact, I somewhat bizarrely became terrified of having a miscarriage, even though just minutes before I'd been hoping the test would come out negative and I could continue with my life as usual.

Having said all that, I do think that several factors lead to my wanting this baby. Probably some kind of natural maternal instinct was involved, but that certainly wasn't everything. I knew I had a great partner. I knew he was supportive. I knew we could provide a child with a home and with everything else necessary. I was about to turn 30.

The thing is, I've had pregnancy scares earlier in my life, when all of the above things were not true. I don't know that I would have made the same decision back then. I am happy it turned out that I didn't have to.

I believe that choosing abortion can be the most responsible choice. Early in my pregnancy, both my boyfriend and I had doubts sometimes that we were doing the right thing by choosing to have this baby. We turned to our families for advice and they were all very supportive, which was helpful. But every situation is different, and I believe that women must have the right to make her own choice in this matter.

Pregnancy is tough. I've had to cut back on my hours at work, and I sure do miss the money I used to make. I'm giving up living here in New Orleans, my favorite city in the world, my chosen home for almost eight years, to move in with my boyfriend near Baton Rouge because he owns a house and I do not. I've postponed my grad school plans.

I chose to make all of these changes in my life. I would not appreciate being forced to do so.

That's my story, and that's why I'm pro-choice.

Expanding

Last weekend, I seemed to get dramatically larger and more pregnant-looking overnight. It became difficult even to squeeze into my "fat" pants. This brought up some mixed feelings for me. I love looking pregnant! It's great to see physical evidence of my baby growing. But I can't seem to shake the social programming I've received all my life: fat = bad.

I hadn't realized how completely brainwashed I was by that message. I consider people of many different body types to be attractive, and I'm not into celebrity worship or the fashion industry. I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't even see commercials! I guess I thought I was immune.

I lost about 15lbs over the first few months that I went vegan, in 2009. I found that I stayed thin with what felt like very little effort - even if I exercised less, my eating habits seemed to keep my weight relatively low (for me). I'm now 14.5 weeks pregnant and have gained 12lbs. I *know* weight gain is necessary and healthy during pregnancy, yet whenever I step on a scale I find myself having to actively remember that fact, to combat the little automatic voice in my head that insists that any weight gain is bad, and any weight loss is good.

I think it didn't help that I was struggling to squeeze into clothes that no longer fit in a comfortable or flattering way. So I bought some maternity pants, and...wow! I feel cute again! And comfy! I didn't want to spend too much money right now, so instead of buying maternity tops, I hit up one of my favorite local thrift stores (The Salvation Army Family Store on Jefferson Highway) and bought some larger, long and flowy tops. I don't think they're supposed to be maternity tops, but they should work for me at least through this trimester, I think. It was nice to have some new, pretty things to wear.

And then I had my monthly checkup with the midwife yesterday. More positivity and validation! It was just what I needed. I heard my baby's amazing heartbeat, which sounds like a horse galloping. Then the midwife told me that my ultrasound (which I had a couple of weeks ago) looked great, my blood work looked great, and she thought *I* looked great too. She said to keep doing what I'm doing, and don't listen to anyone who questions my vegan diet, because I am healthier than 90% of the women she sees.

I drove home grinning, and feeling pretty damn beautiful.

Vegan pregnancy and the protein thing

Anyone who's vegetarian or vegan is familiar with the annoyance of being constantly questioned about their protein intake. I mean, it's not like we go around asking non-vegetarians if they're sure they're not eating too much protein, even though a lot of them are.

Most of the pregnancy books I mentioned in my last post recommend 60-70g of protein a day for pregnant women. That's more than I'm accustomed to eating, so I've been paying more attention to it than I did before getting pregnant. Then a good friend of mine gave me a book about The Bradley Method for natural childbirth, which she took classes in with her husband and found very helpful. Well, the Bradley dude recommends a whopping 80-100g of protein a day! My friend suggested I keep a log of my protein intake to see how much I was getting. On the first day I logged, I did manage to get around 80g, but that was with a LOT of effort.

I also noticed I was eating a ton of soy products to get my protein intake up. Soy milk, soy yogurt, vegan hot dogs, etc. Because I'm anxiety prone, obsessed with health, and enjoy torturing myself, I then had to Google "soy and pregnancy" to see if there were any issues there. Hmm. There might be. Or maybe not. Regardless, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to try to diversify and not rely so heavily on soy for protein.

So, off to the grocery store I went, where I bought a plethora of dried beans, almond milk, a colossal jar of peanut butter, and some Vega powder (which contains a blend of plant proteins, not including soy) for breakfast smoothies.

I'm not sure if I'll stick to the 80-100g Bradley recommendation. It just seems like an awful lot to me. The volume of food I have to eat to hit that goal is often more than I feel like eating. Also, I can't seem to find any studies or anything to back that recommendation up, just lots of Bradley advocates repeating it. If anyone has further info on this, I'm all ears! I'm a nutrition nerd.

Reviews of pregnancy books

I missed yoga yesterday, but it was for a good reason...I got a glimpse of my future child! I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and I decided to wait till to see the ultrasound before spreading the news far and wide. Well, I'm happy to report that all appears to be well with the kidlet.

I found out that I was pregnant in late November, and it was a bit of a shock. I've always wanted kids, but wasn't planning on it right now because I was applying to grad programs and my relationship with my boyfriend is relatively new. But we both found ourselves to be quite happy with the news, after all, and are making the necessary adjustments to our lives to accommodate this new little person.

One of the first things we did was head to the bookstore, because I wanted as much information as possible, and my obsessive Googling wasn't quite cutting it.

My boyfriend and I sat in the bookstore for quite a while, flipping though various books. I joked that I was looking for one called Your Vegan, Feminist, Unplanned Pregnancy, but, sadly, that one doesn't seem to have been written yet.

On that first visit, I bought two weekly pregnancy guides, so I could compare their advice (yeah, I'm weird like that):

Pregnancy: Your Ultimate Week-By-Week Pregnancy Guide by Dr. Laura Riley, OB/GYN
This one has some neat extras, like a due date determining wheel and beautiful photographs of fetuses. The information is laid out well and fairly comprehensive. I also like that the author uses the word "partner" instead of husband and routinely acknowledges the existence of single moms as well.

Your Pregnancy: Week By Week by Glade B. Curtis, MD, MPH and Judith Schuler, MS
This one has similar information to Riley's book, but seems to focus more on the medical side of things than emotional issues. One thing I like about it are detailed drawings of the fetus for each week, including one that is actual size.

When I visited my midwife for the first time, her office gave me a big stack of parenting magazines and this book for free:

What To Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel
This book has a ton of info and I can see why it is the top go-to guide for that reason, BUT I have a couple of issues with it. First, they have a note in the beginning saying that they in no way intend to exclude single or unmarried moms, but they're going to use the word "spouse" throughout the book anyway, and you should fill in whatever applies to you if that particular word does not (I'm paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it). It may seem like a small issue, but I don't see why they couldn't use the word "partner." I believe almost half of the babies born in the U.S. are born to unmarried moms. Also, the information is organized in a manner I find somewhat hard to follow at times, but I guess that's what the index is for.

I found all three of the above books to be helpful info-wise, but they also sometimes freak me out with their detailed descriptions of everything that could possibly go wrong, even some things that, upon further research, I found out are VERY rare. Now, I know they want to be thorough, but I often feel anxious reading about all that stuff. They also focus a LOT on how important it is to gain the exact perfect amount of weight, which I personally feel like I have little control over right now. I mean, I eat really healthy food for the most part, but there are times when I feel voraciously hungry, and other times (thankfully, this phase seems to be passing) when I feel so nauseated that I really don't want to eat anything.

Then I remembered hearing about this other book, which I didn't find at the bookstore but easily acquired from Amazon:

From The Hips by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris
Finally, a book that really seems to get it! The layout of this book is really cool, with neat drawings of pregnant women of various shapes, sizes and ethnicities (the three aforementioned books had white women on the covers and no other pictures of women in the text). They mention gay people! And single moms! And the best part is, they have lots of quotes from anonymous parents, that show the true diversity of the pregnancy experience. It's not all sunshine and joy and flowers - they address fears about losing your freedom, worries about your body and your relationship...all kinds of stuff. This book is not as thorough as the others when it comes to medical info, but it covers the basics, and for emotional info, it is BY FAR the best. It also addresses a lot of parenting issues for after the baby is born.

I can't seem to stop reading pregnancy books (though I'm also hooked on the new Jonathan Franzen novel, I must admit), so I'm sure I'll have more book reviews in the future!