An uphill battle

8 months after giving birth, I'm now within about 5lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. Losing the weight (50lbs!) felt rather slow at times, especially because I was hoping breastfeeding would make the pounds "just fall off" as so many women attest...but that didn't really happen for me. I lost a good bit of it in the past two months, which I think is due to working more, which involves more physical activity.

Anyway, I'm now satisfied with the number on the scale, but not so much with what I see in the mirror. Back before I got pregnant, I had a fair amount of muscle from work and exercise, and people often guessed I weighed about 15lbs less than I actually did, probably due to that "muscle weighs more than fat" thing. Well, now I'd like some of that muscle back!

I try not to get too caught up in body image stuff, because I don't want to be vain or shallow. But there are just so many things I prefer about having a lean, strong body. One major thing I've noticed is how different everything feels when you have weak abdominal muscles. I feel that my posture suffers and my lower back hurts more. I'd also prefer not to have my thighs touch each other.

I'd like to get back into Spinning, but I must admit I'm afraid of no longer being good at it. For years, I felt like a Spinning class star. I know, it's rather silly. But I don't want to go back to the red-faced, winded person I was at my first Spinning class seven years ago!

So I've begun doing more cardio workouts on the elliptical machine, with the goal of working myself back into some semblance of shape before I attempt a Spinning class. I'm also enjoying yoga and, of course, walking outside in this all-too-brief spring weather.

At the moment, however, I'm eagerly anticipating Anton's next nap, and I plan to join him.

Expanding

Last weekend, I seemed to get dramatically larger and more pregnant-looking overnight. It became difficult even to squeeze into my "fat" pants. This brought up some mixed feelings for me. I love looking pregnant! It's great to see physical evidence of my baby growing. But I can't seem to shake the social programming I've received all my life: fat = bad.

I hadn't realized how completely brainwashed I was by that message. I consider people of many different body types to be attractive, and I'm not into celebrity worship or the fashion industry. I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't even see commercials! I guess I thought I was immune.

I lost about 15lbs over the first few months that I went vegan, in 2009. I found that I stayed thin with what felt like very little effort - even if I exercised less, my eating habits seemed to keep my weight relatively low (for me). I'm now 14.5 weeks pregnant and have gained 12lbs. I *know* weight gain is necessary and healthy during pregnancy, yet whenever I step on a scale I find myself having to actively remember that fact, to combat the little automatic voice in my head that insists that any weight gain is bad, and any weight loss is good.

I think it didn't help that I was struggling to squeeze into clothes that no longer fit in a comfortable or flattering way. So I bought some maternity pants, and...wow! I feel cute again! And comfy! I didn't want to spend too much money right now, so instead of buying maternity tops, I hit up one of my favorite local thrift stores (The Salvation Army Family Store on Jefferson Highway) and bought some larger, long and flowy tops. I don't think they're supposed to be maternity tops, but they should work for me at least through this trimester, I think. It was nice to have some new, pretty things to wear.

And then I had my monthly checkup with the midwife yesterday. More positivity and validation! It was just what I needed. I heard my baby's amazing heartbeat, which sounds like a horse galloping. Then the midwife told me that my ultrasound (which I had a couple of weeks ago) looked great, my blood work looked great, and she thought *I* looked great too. She said to keep doing what I'm doing, and don't listen to anyone who questions my vegan diet, because I am healthier than 90% of the women she sees.

I drove home grinning, and feeling pretty damn beautiful.