I recently overheard two women talking about writing. I think they were trying to plan a time to get together and write or something like that. One of them said to the other, "well, I'm a stay at home mom, so I have to think about getting dinner on the table." And she didn't seem particularly bothered by that fact, but it basically summed up my own greatest current fear about my life: that it becomes completely structured around domestic tasks.
Now that I'm working part time, I feel a lot better about my life than when I was staying home all the time with Anton. I like feeling productive, I like using my massage skills, I like earning some money. I've even lost the last of the weight I gained during pregnancy by simply moving more at my very physical job (and spending less time eating out of pure boredom). But it has become even more of a challenge to find time to read, write, etc. And although I do enjoy cooking, having to think about groceries and prep time and all of that is starting to feel like a major chore.
My husband suggested that I cook big vats of food less often, so I don't have to cook every day. I suggested that he help with the cooking more, for the record...but so far, no dice. Anyway, I was meal-planning for a while there, and found it to be helpful and cheaper than the last minute dash to the store on the way home from work so I can throw something together. So I'm trying to get back into that habit. I've got a new cookbook called The Vegan Slow Cooker, and I plan to try to cook something in the crock pot every other day, and then we'll eat leftovers on the off day. So far I've used instructions from the book to cook and freeze tomatoes, since my moms plants produced a TON and she's about to go on vacation. Today I made something not from the cookbook but a blog, a recipe I've been making for years: vegan red beans and rice. After all, it is Monday!
Hopefully this will free up some time so I can focus more on my writing. I have been making progress on several projects, but not at the pace I'd like.
I don't think there's anything wrong with centering one's life around home and family stuff, necessarily, but it's a scary thought for me. I feel like I'm actually a better mom when I have opportunities to do my own thing sometimes. As much as I care about nutrition and all, I have big goals for my life, which I'm not going to achieve in a kitchen.
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
On SAHMs, Ann Romney, and all this silliness
There's some good discussion going on over at Feministe about what's really going on when politicians talk about motherhood being "the most important job there is." If you're a wealthy woman, at least.
As I've mentioned here before, I thought I might take a year off from work after Anton was born, but I took a wait-and-see approach, and didn't make a definite decision because I didn't know how I'd feel in this very new situation. And I was very lucky to be in a financial position to have options. And, as it turned out, I got rather bored with the whole SAHM thing and started to ease back into work when Anton was 3 months old, by commuting to NOLA every couple of weeks to see old clients. I continue to do that, and have now added another part-time massage job closer to home.
The thing is, I love spending time with my baby. But not every second. Some of it is lots of fun. Some of it is quite tedious. And although, overall, I put a lot of work and thought into The Job of Motherhood, it's not as if I'm the only person on this planet who possesses the necessary skills to change his diapers or feed him applesauce, tiny spoonful by tiny spoonful. Sometimes it's great to get a break from all that for a few hours, and use some of the skills I've spent years refining, like my massage skills, or my writing skills.
It is patronizing when Important Men talk about the hard work involved in staying home with the kids (unless you're a poor woman, in which case...get your lazy ass off the couch and work, right?), not because it isn't hard work, but because it is also tedious work, which they are unwilling to do.
It reminds me of when I had an admin job, and one of my tasks was to take a pile of rumpled receipts and create an expense report for one of the executives. It was a frustrating task, because he never sorted anything out, so it was hard for me to tell if a particular restaurant receipt was from taking clients out for a dinner meeting, or taking his family out for dinner (and if it was the latter, I didn't really want to help him get reimbursed for it, when I was surviving on boxed mac and cheese). When I expressed my frustration, which I often did, as subservience has never come naturally to me, he would try to placate me by telling me just how good I was at making these expense reports. Because he was just so naturally disorganized, you see. He needed someone like me to sort things out for him.
Thing is, if he'd seen the state of my apartment at the time, he would have seen that I was naturally disorganized as well. I only forced myself to be organized at work because, well, it was my job, and I needed to pay rent and buy a bus pass and that aforementioned boxed mac and cheese (I wasn't vegan yet at that time, obviously).
Child care, like most jobs, is a mix of fun stuff and important stuff and hard stuff and tedious stuff. But when ambitious men claim it's the Most Important Job In The World, they're just blowing smoke up our asses. I'll believe it when they quit their less important jobs to be Stay At Home Dads.
As I've mentioned here before, I thought I might take a year off from work after Anton was born, but I took a wait-and-see approach, and didn't make a definite decision because I didn't know how I'd feel in this very new situation. And I was very lucky to be in a financial position to have options. And, as it turned out, I got rather bored with the whole SAHM thing and started to ease back into work when Anton was 3 months old, by commuting to NOLA every couple of weeks to see old clients. I continue to do that, and have now added another part-time massage job closer to home.
The thing is, I love spending time with my baby. But not every second. Some of it is lots of fun. Some of it is quite tedious. And although, overall, I put a lot of work and thought into The Job of Motherhood, it's not as if I'm the only person on this planet who possesses the necessary skills to change his diapers or feed him applesauce, tiny spoonful by tiny spoonful. Sometimes it's great to get a break from all that for a few hours, and use some of the skills I've spent years refining, like my massage skills, or my writing skills.
It is patronizing when Important Men talk about the hard work involved in staying home with the kids (unless you're a poor woman, in which case...get your lazy ass off the couch and work, right?), not because it isn't hard work, but because it is also tedious work, which they are unwilling to do.
It reminds me of when I had an admin job, and one of my tasks was to take a pile of rumpled receipts and create an expense report for one of the executives. It was a frustrating task, because he never sorted anything out, so it was hard for me to tell if a particular restaurant receipt was from taking clients out for a dinner meeting, or taking his family out for dinner (and if it was the latter, I didn't really want to help him get reimbursed for it, when I was surviving on boxed mac and cheese). When I expressed my frustration, which I often did, as subservience has never come naturally to me, he would try to placate me by telling me just how good I was at making these expense reports. Because he was just so naturally disorganized, you see. He needed someone like me to sort things out for him.
Thing is, if he'd seen the state of my apartment at the time, he would have seen that I was naturally disorganized as well. I only forced myself to be organized at work because, well, it was my job, and I needed to pay rent and buy a bus pass and that aforementioned boxed mac and cheese (I wasn't vegan yet at that time, obviously).
Child care, like most jobs, is a mix of fun stuff and important stuff and hard stuff and tedious stuff. But when ambitious men claim it's the Most Important Job In The World, they're just blowing smoke up our asses. I'll believe it when they quit their less important jobs to be Stay At Home Dads.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Yet another thing to scold pregnant women about
So, I read this article from the LA times via Balancing Jane (who has a good analysis of it), and I find it annoying on several levels.
Basically, the theory is that the obesity epidemic was caused by pregnant women in the 50s and 60s doing three unhealthy things: smoking, striving to gain as little weight as possible, and not breastfeeding.
First of all, though the article briefly mentions the growing popularity of fast food, suburban culture that leads to more driving, etc., it seems to come to the conclusion that these 50s and 60s moms are a larger cause of increased obesity. I have my doubts about that.
Further, the article clearly states that doctors were telling women to do these things. If that's the case, why don't we call a spade a spade here and blame doctors for the obesity epidemic? But no, we can't do that, of course. Because they're always right (well, except for all those times in the past when they were wrong, but they're right now! So listen to your doctor. Remember, they're smarter than you). It must have been those naughty pregnant women acting up again. Don't they care about the children?
Also, the expert behind the theory flat-out states that overweight women should not have children. I'd rather that jerks not have children, personally. Because, I don't think that being fat is so horrible that we should try to make sure fat people are never born. This is not to say that it's not important for individuals to try to be healthy - I'm a bit of a health nut, myself - but come on. I mean, let's look at this "unhealthy" generation that was born in the 50s and 60s - I know some excellent human beings that were born in those decades! Some of them are even *gasp* fat! And if they want to try to do something about that, that's up to them. But I'm glad they're on this planet, regardless.
There are many systemic causes for the health problems we're currently facing. I think our priorities need to shift to value health more. Blaming it all on mothers is both incorrect and unfair.
Basically, the theory is that the obesity epidemic was caused by pregnant women in the 50s and 60s doing three unhealthy things: smoking, striving to gain as little weight as possible, and not breastfeeding.
First of all, though the article briefly mentions the growing popularity of fast food, suburban culture that leads to more driving, etc., it seems to come to the conclusion that these 50s and 60s moms are a larger cause of increased obesity. I have my doubts about that.
Further, the article clearly states that doctors were telling women to do these things. If that's the case, why don't we call a spade a spade here and blame doctors for the obesity epidemic? But no, we can't do that, of course. Because they're always right (well, except for all those times in the past when they were wrong, but they're right now! So listen to your doctor. Remember, they're smarter than you). It must have been those naughty pregnant women acting up again. Don't they care about the children?
Also, the expert behind the theory flat-out states that overweight women should not have children. I'd rather that jerks not have children, personally. Because, I don't think that being fat is so horrible that we should try to make sure fat people are never born. This is not to say that it's not important for individuals to try to be healthy - I'm a bit of a health nut, myself - but come on. I mean, let's look at this "unhealthy" generation that was born in the 50s and 60s - I know some excellent human beings that were born in those decades! Some of them are even *gasp* fat! And if they want to try to do something about that, that's up to them. But I'm glad they're on this planet, regardless.
There are many systemic causes for the health problems we're currently facing. I think our priorities need to shift to value health more. Blaming it all on mothers is both incorrect and unfair.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Why do smart women defend schmucks?
I've been reading all this stuff over at Feministe about this Hugo Schwyzer person (with whom I wasn't familiar before this), and my first reaction was annoyance and dismay at seeing several women (feminists, even!) defend someone who, to me, comes across as a narcissistic schmuck. To be fair, most people there are *not* defending him, but I was unhappy that some still were. Why would women do this? I asked myself.
And then I had to admit, I've done it too. Not online, but in "real life," which is arguably worse. I've known some narcissistic schmucks in my time, and some of them immediately disgusted me, while others I befriended and defended. They could be such nice guys, you see. They were in a lot of pain, you see. But most of all, if I am to be completely honest, it was about how much they seemed to like me. Using flattery to charm people is a really basic charmer tactic which should be obvious, but I have certainly had blind spots in this area when I was the one being flattered. It seems Mr. Schwyzer does help some feminist women promote their own work, and I could see how after receiving that kind of assistance could make one less able to see Mr. Schwyzer's flaws. [It is important to note the huge heap of privilege that put Mr. Schwyzer in such a position to "help" others, because, no, I don't think it's just luck or brilliance that gave him such a relatively big platform.]
There's also the fact that Mr. Schwyzer claims to have reformed from a past that included womanizing and addiction. And I will say that forgiveness is a big part of my personal value system, so I don't think he should necessarily be written off for his past. The problem, as I see it, is that although he may be sober, he is still locked in this dynamic of trying to get adoring female attention and causing harm while doing so. Which is not very feminist.
So, while my first instinct was to join the chorus of "he sucks and you suck if you defend him," I'm trying instead to find a lesson in this (blame it on that Dalai Lama book I just read!). Here are some things I think are helpful, at least for me, in the quest to NOT be a schmuck-defender:
1) Take praise graciously, but with a grain of salt. Humans are social creatures, and if feels good when we or are work is admired by others, and that's fine. It can help give us the confidence to keep moving forward. But it isn't everything. Constructive criticism can be more helpful in terms of actual improvement. And consider the motives of the person giving the praise.
2) Forgive when possible, but don't excuse or forget. And if you want others' forgiveness, know that simply admitting the wrongs you did and feeling ashamed are not heroic acts you deserve a medal for. You don't even "deserve" the forgiveness of those you wronged. That is their decision. And then, regardless of whether you are forgiven, making amends is an active, ongoing process that doesn't end with the confession. If someone keeps apologizing while continuing their harmful behavior, call them on it, and/or remove them from your life, depending on the situation. People CAN change, and they probably need the feedback of caring but firm people to help them continue to grow. They do not need ego-stroking or to be placed in situations that will tempt them to revert to old behavior patterns (like Mr. Schwyzer's job teaching young women).
3) Examine your own internalized misogyny. This is a big one for me. I can definitely not claim to be free of the desire for male approval. I need to actively remind myself that a compliment from a man is not more valuable than a compliment from a woman. It's OK for certain men not to like me. Men don't deserve "extra credit points." It sounds ridiculous, but it's old programming I still have to fight.
4) Avoid being a schmuck by working to eliminate defensiveness. This is a huge, huge one for me. When I'm criticized, I sometimes catch myself forming my rebuttal even before the other person gets through a sentence. My husband has called me on this before. Most of the narcissistic schmucks I've known had very well constructed walls of denial built around themselves, so not even the tiniest reproach could get through. I don't want to be like this. So I think it's key to listen to criticism from people who care about me. Not random jerks or abusive people or whatever. But people who care about me have an outside perspective on me, which I can never have. I don't always have to think they're 100% correct, but I should at least listen and give it some thought.
And then I had to admit, I've done it too. Not online, but in "real life," which is arguably worse. I've known some narcissistic schmucks in my time, and some of them immediately disgusted me, while others I befriended and defended. They could be such nice guys, you see. They were in a lot of pain, you see. But most of all, if I am to be completely honest, it was about how much they seemed to like me. Using flattery to charm people is a really basic charmer tactic which should be obvious, but I have certainly had blind spots in this area when I was the one being flattered. It seems Mr. Schwyzer does help some feminist women promote their own work, and I could see how after receiving that kind of assistance could make one less able to see Mr. Schwyzer's flaws. [It is important to note the huge heap of privilege that put Mr. Schwyzer in such a position to "help" others, because, no, I don't think it's just luck or brilliance that gave him such a relatively big platform.]
There's also the fact that Mr. Schwyzer claims to have reformed from a past that included womanizing and addiction. And I will say that forgiveness is a big part of my personal value system, so I don't think he should necessarily be written off for his past. The problem, as I see it, is that although he may be sober, he is still locked in this dynamic of trying to get adoring female attention and causing harm while doing so. Which is not very feminist.
So, while my first instinct was to join the chorus of "he sucks and you suck if you defend him," I'm trying instead to find a lesson in this (blame it on that Dalai Lama book I just read!). Here are some things I think are helpful, at least for me, in the quest to NOT be a schmuck-defender:
1) Take praise graciously, but with a grain of salt. Humans are social creatures, and if feels good when we or are work is admired by others, and that's fine. It can help give us the confidence to keep moving forward. But it isn't everything. Constructive criticism can be more helpful in terms of actual improvement. And consider the motives of the person giving the praise.
2) Forgive when possible, but don't excuse or forget. And if you want others' forgiveness, know that simply admitting the wrongs you did and feeling ashamed are not heroic acts you deserve a medal for. You don't even "deserve" the forgiveness of those you wronged. That is their decision. And then, regardless of whether you are forgiven, making amends is an active, ongoing process that doesn't end with the confession. If someone keeps apologizing while continuing their harmful behavior, call them on it, and/or remove them from your life, depending on the situation. People CAN change, and they probably need the feedback of caring but firm people to help them continue to grow. They do not need ego-stroking or to be placed in situations that will tempt them to revert to old behavior patterns (like Mr. Schwyzer's job teaching young women).
3) Examine your own internalized misogyny. This is a big one for me. I can definitely not claim to be free of the desire for male approval. I need to actively remind myself that a compliment from a man is not more valuable than a compliment from a woman. It's OK for certain men not to like me. Men don't deserve "extra credit points." It sounds ridiculous, but it's old programming I still have to fight.
4) Avoid being a schmuck by working to eliminate defensiveness. This is a huge, huge one for me. When I'm criticized, I sometimes catch myself forming my rebuttal even before the other person gets through a sentence. My husband has called me on this before. Most of the narcissistic schmucks I've known had very well constructed walls of denial built around themselves, so not even the tiniest reproach could get through. I don't want to be like this. So I think it's key to listen to criticism from people who care about me. Not random jerks or abusive people or whatever. But people who care about me have an outside perspective on me, which I can never have. I don't always have to think they're 100% correct, but I should at least listen and give it some thought.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thoughts on nursing
I called my mom one day a couple of weeks ago, to make a confession: I was not enjoying breastfeeding. It was very important to me to nurse my baby, and I never was tempted to give him formula, but I felt like nursing was a drag, and I felt guilty about that.
My mom expressed surprise at first, but then said she did remember having some issues in the first couple of weeks, if she really thought about it. But she told me that that time period was so short, it only made up a tiny percentage of the time she spent nursing (1 year for each of her 3 kids), so she tended to forget the hard times.
My doula had similar advice. "Breastfeeding is so worth it," she said, "once you make it past the first couple of weeks." And that is what I wish more people would tell new moms. Breastfeeding advocates tend to minimize the challenges of breastfeeding, in my experience. I have a book on breastfeeding which has been helpful, but it says things like "soreness rarely lasts longer than 48 hours," which was not my experience, nor the experience of several people I've talked to. Even my husband, when doing internet research, commented that "all of these websites say that if you're sore you're doing it wrong...but then it also seems like everyone says they got sore." Yep.
Then, of course, there's the "formula is just as good" camp, which I totally disagree with. Formula doesn't even make that claim...look at the package. It says breastfeeding is best. I know that because I've been sent formula in the mail that I never requested or wanted. I think it's great that formula exists for those RARE instances where it is necessary, but I think it's crappy to try to get it into the hands of every new mom. Clearly the formula companies are trying to take advantage of frustrated new moms and get them to try their product. And that sucks (no pun intended).
Because, yes, for many women it is NOT easy or convenient in those first couple of weeks. Anton was in NICU for a day, where he was given a bottle and a pacifier. When confronted with my anatomy, which does not resemble those things, he had no clue what to do. I was given a nipple shield by the lactation consultants in the hospital (who were great - I wish all hospitals had LC's as knowledgeable and helpful as these ladies), and that worked, but it was kind of a pain to deal with, so I spent a few days weaning him off of the shield, with tears shed by both of us! And after that, I got really sore. I began to dread feeding him because it hurt so much. Then after that subsided, I started to get...bored. I don't like sitting still, and I was spending so many hours of the day nursing that I was getting a bit stir-crazy.
I stuck with it, because I knew it was the best thing for my baby, and thankfully I had a lot of people supporting me - Mom, Rene (my doula), my husband, etc. And guess what? I got past all of those hurdles. Now I love it! As Anton grows, both of us seem more aware of when he is hungry, how long he needs to nurse, etc.
As I mentioned in my birth story posts, I had really wanted to give birth naturally. I felt, based on the testimonials of women I know who have given birth naturally, that it would feel empowering for me. And I didn't get that experience. But now that I'm nursing, I get a similar feeling of empowerment - that my body can do this awesome thing for my baby.
Some people argue that it's not feminist to push breastfeeding, because women should be encouraged to make their own choices. And yeah, choice is great. And of course, there are some women who cannot breastfeed. But for those who can, it's important to recognize that these are not two "equally good" options. It has been well established that breast milk is superior to formula. You can find that info in about 30 seconds of research. Do more research, and you'll find more and more reasons why.
And here's my feminist take: this is something completely amazing that women's bodies can do. When you breastfeed, your body creates milk especially for your baby. If you have another baby, the milk will be different! How cool is that? But like many things associated with women, the awesomeness of breastfeeding is downplayed by our patriarchal society. Okay, okay, I know some people are probably rolling their eyes at that statement. Yes, I used the dreaded "P" word. But I stand by it. I have had doctors lecture me about setting time limits on nursing, to make sure my baby doesn't "use" me "as a pacifier." So let me get this straight: it's superior for me to put a piece of plastic (which is designed to mimic one of my body parts) in my baby's mouth? Now, I don't let him nurse forever, because, as I mentioned before, I get stir-crazy. But I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. It just strikes me as odd that this was such a big fear of the pediatricians. Pretty much anything seen as "a woman thing" is portrayed as petty and trivial in our culture. I really do think attitudes towards breastfeeding are another example of that (especially when you consider our culture's obsession with breasts as sex objects, and only sex objects).
In short, breast milk is best, women's bodies are awesome for their ability to make it (and for many other reasons), and though it is not easy at first, as my doula said, it is so worth it!
My mom expressed surprise at first, but then said she did remember having some issues in the first couple of weeks, if she really thought about it. But she told me that that time period was so short, it only made up a tiny percentage of the time she spent nursing (1 year for each of her 3 kids), so she tended to forget the hard times.
My doula had similar advice. "Breastfeeding is so worth it," she said, "once you make it past the first couple of weeks." And that is what I wish more people would tell new moms. Breastfeeding advocates tend to minimize the challenges of breastfeeding, in my experience. I have a book on breastfeeding which has been helpful, but it says things like "soreness rarely lasts longer than 48 hours," which was not my experience, nor the experience of several people I've talked to. Even my husband, when doing internet research, commented that "all of these websites say that if you're sore you're doing it wrong...but then it also seems like everyone says they got sore." Yep.
Then, of course, there's the "formula is just as good" camp, which I totally disagree with. Formula doesn't even make that claim...look at the package. It says breastfeeding is best. I know that because I've been sent formula in the mail that I never requested or wanted. I think it's great that formula exists for those RARE instances where it is necessary, but I think it's crappy to try to get it into the hands of every new mom. Clearly the formula companies are trying to take advantage of frustrated new moms and get them to try their product. And that sucks (no pun intended).
Because, yes, for many women it is NOT easy or convenient in those first couple of weeks. Anton was in NICU for a day, where he was given a bottle and a pacifier. When confronted with my anatomy, which does not resemble those things, he had no clue what to do. I was given a nipple shield by the lactation consultants in the hospital (who were great - I wish all hospitals had LC's as knowledgeable and helpful as these ladies), and that worked, but it was kind of a pain to deal with, so I spent a few days weaning him off of the shield, with tears shed by both of us! And after that, I got really sore. I began to dread feeding him because it hurt so much. Then after that subsided, I started to get...bored. I don't like sitting still, and I was spending so many hours of the day nursing that I was getting a bit stir-crazy.
I stuck with it, because I knew it was the best thing for my baby, and thankfully I had a lot of people supporting me - Mom, Rene (my doula), my husband, etc. And guess what? I got past all of those hurdles. Now I love it! As Anton grows, both of us seem more aware of when he is hungry, how long he needs to nurse, etc.
As I mentioned in my birth story posts, I had really wanted to give birth naturally. I felt, based on the testimonials of women I know who have given birth naturally, that it would feel empowering for me. And I didn't get that experience. But now that I'm nursing, I get a similar feeling of empowerment - that my body can do this awesome thing for my baby.
Some people argue that it's not feminist to push breastfeeding, because women should be encouraged to make their own choices. And yeah, choice is great. And of course, there are some women who cannot breastfeed. But for those who can, it's important to recognize that these are not two "equally good" options. It has been well established that breast milk is superior to formula. You can find that info in about 30 seconds of research. Do more research, and you'll find more and more reasons why.
And here's my feminist take: this is something completely amazing that women's bodies can do. When you breastfeed, your body creates milk especially for your baby. If you have another baby, the milk will be different! How cool is that? But like many things associated with women, the awesomeness of breastfeeding is downplayed by our patriarchal society. Okay, okay, I know some people are probably rolling their eyes at that statement. Yes, I used the dreaded "P" word. But I stand by it. I have had doctors lecture me about setting time limits on nursing, to make sure my baby doesn't "use" me "as a pacifier." So let me get this straight: it's superior for me to put a piece of plastic (which is designed to mimic one of my body parts) in my baby's mouth? Now, I don't let him nurse forever, because, as I mentioned before, I get stir-crazy. But I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. It just strikes me as odd that this was such a big fear of the pediatricians. Pretty much anything seen as "a woman thing" is portrayed as petty and trivial in our culture. I really do think attitudes towards breastfeeding are another example of that (especially when you consider our culture's obsession with breasts as sex objects, and only sex objects).
In short, breast milk is best, women's bodies are awesome for their ability to make it (and for many other reasons), and though it is not easy at first, as my doula said, it is so worth it!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Intentions aren't everything.
There's an article on essence.com, which I read via Feministe, concerning the reporter Mac McClelland's use of a story of another woman's traumatic rape in a personal essay she wrote about how her job affects her sex life. Go read the Essence article, and the comments too, where McClelland, Mother Jones (who McClelland works for), and the rape victim's lawyer respond.
I'm sure McClelland had good intentions - both in bringing the story of the situation in Haiti to people's attention in her Mother Jones reporting and in addressing the complex affects of violence on sexuality in her personal essay (which I won't link to here but it's easy to find...as a warning, though, I personally found it very difficult to read and upsetting). But her focus on her intentions and her own trauma seem to have blinded her to the rape victim's feelings and wishes, which is not OK.
I was reminded of a situation a few years ago, when Eve Ensler's V-day organization had a huge event in New Orleans. My playback troupe was performing at this event and leading story circles, which is a process in which people share stories from their lives (it is something we often use in conjunction with our Playback work, since Playback is a theatrical representation of personal stories). We were working in a beautiful red tent designed by an artist from New York, which created a nice sense of intimacy and was a women-only space...however, it proved to be too small to hold the many women who wanted to participate in our workshops.
Anyway, I found myself in the unfortunate position of bouncer for much of the event, which really sucked because I hated turning away women who wanted to participate. And sometimes people got really confrontational with me, which I felt was unfair because I had no real power to change the situation or go build a bigger tent or anything like that.
Many of the stories that the women were sharing had to do with sexual assault and violence, and we did our best to keep the space safe for these women. Part of the story circle process is an agreement not to share stories you hear in the circle with the outside world.
Well, at one point a woman with a video camera showed up, and informed me that she was going to film one of our workshops. At that time, the leader of our Playback group was not present and I had not been informed that this was going to happen. I told her this, and she assured me that it was fine, because Eve Ensler had asked her to document everything going on at the V-day event. I told her I still was not comfortable with her taping the story circle workshop due to the need for privacy and a safe environment. She kept repeating, "but it's for Eve!" and telling me what a swell person Eve Ensler is (which I'm sure she is, but that wasn't the point). I eventually got so frustrated and angry because I felt I was being patronized and dismissed that I started to cry. Gah! I hate that I cry when I'm angry. Especially because her reaction was to become even more patronizing and to hug me, repeatedly, against my will.
Eventually, thankfully, the leader of our group returned and spoke with this woman, and they decided to have one story circle comprised of people who had given prior consent to being filmed, with the understanding that no one else was to be filmed.
The McClelland mess reminded me of that experience because I think both are examples of what can happen when two very important issues - the need to share with the world at large the horrible violence that too many women endure and the need to protect those women and honor their feelings and their ownership of their experiences - clash. My opinion is that we need to be vigilant to protect the individual women's needs first, or we risk victimizing them all over again.
I'm sure McClelland had good intentions - both in bringing the story of the situation in Haiti to people's attention in her Mother Jones reporting and in addressing the complex affects of violence on sexuality in her personal essay (which I won't link to here but it's easy to find...as a warning, though, I personally found it very difficult to read and upsetting). But her focus on her intentions and her own trauma seem to have blinded her to the rape victim's feelings and wishes, which is not OK.
I was reminded of a situation a few years ago, when Eve Ensler's V-day organization had a huge event in New Orleans. My playback troupe was performing at this event and leading story circles, which is a process in which people share stories from their lives (it is something we often use in conjunction with our Playback work, since Playback is a theatrical representation of personal stories). We were working in a beautiful red tent designed by an artist from New York, which created a nice sense of intimacy and was a women-only space...however, it proved to be too small to hold the many women who wanted to participate in our workshops.
Anyway, I found myself in the unfortunate position of bouncer for much of the event, which really sucked because I hated turning away women who wanted to participate. And sometimes people got really confrontational with me, which I felt was unfair because I had no real power to change the situation or go build a bigger tent or anything like that.
Many of the stories that the women were sharing had to do with sexual assault and violence, and we did our best to keep the space safe for these women. Part of the story circle process is an agreement not to share stories you hear in the circle with the outside world.
Well, at one point a woman with a video camera showed up, and informed me that she was going to film one of our workshops. At that time, the leader of our Playback group was not present and I had not been informed that this was going to happen. I told her this, and she assured me that it was fine, because Eve Ensler had asked her to document everything going on at the V-day event. I told her I still was not comfortable with her taping the story circle workshop due to the need for privacy and a safe environment. She kept repeating, "but it's for Eve!" and telling me what a swell person Eve Ensler is (which I'm sure she is, but that wasn't the point). I eventually got so frustrated and angry because I felt I was being patronized and dismissed that I started to cry. Gah! I hate that I cry when I'm angry. Especially because her reaction was to become even more patronizing and to hug me, repeatedly, against my will.
Eventually, thankfully, the leader of our group returned and spoke with this woman, and they decided to have one story circle comprised of people who had given prior consent to being filmed, with the understanding that no one else was to be filmed.
The McClelland mess reminded me of that experience because I think both are examples of what can happen when two very important issues - the need to share with the world at large the horrible violence that too many women endure and the need to protect those women and honor their feelings and their ownership of their experiences - clash. My opinion is that we need to be vigilant to protect the individual women's needs first, or we risk victimizing them all over again.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
*Sigh*
When I expressed concern about whether I would be judged for having a baby out of wedlock, my sister told me to relax because "it is no longer 1952."
Apparently Mike Huckabee didn't get that memo.
Aren't we glad he's not the president? Let's keep it that way.
Apparently Mike Huckabee didn't get that memo.
Aren't we glad he's not the president? Let's keep it that way.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Being pregnant has made me more pro-choice than ever.
Ah, my poor neglected blog! It's been nearly a month! I'm sorry :(
I have composed several posts in my head but none here. Bad Bridget.
Anyway, on to the topic in the title.
I just read this article via Feministe, it's written by a woman who works as an abortion provider. It has inspired me to share my story.
When I suspected that I was pregnant this past November, my boyfriend told me that he would support me in any choice I wanted to make. He knew I was applying to grad programs and he didn't want me to have to give that up to have a baby if I wasn't ready. But we both also knew we wanted children. The question was, is now the time?
Our relationship was (and still is) relatively new, and we are not married.
I honestly did not know what I would choose to do if I turned out to be pregnant. But after experiencing several signs that indicated that I might be, I bought a home test. I remember talking to a friend once a few years ago, who was telling me about her first pregnancy, when she was still a teenager. She said, "once you see the positive test, something in you changes immediately." Her words were in my head as I unlocked my door, returning from Walgreens with my pregnancy test in hand. I took the test, and got a plus sign.
I know not everyone's experiences are similar, but for me, my friend's words turned out to be true. Once I saw that sign (which showed up IMMEDIATELY), something transformed in me. In fact, I somewhat bizarrely became terrified of having a miscarriage, even though just minutes before I'd been hoping the test would come out negative and I could continue with my life as usual.
Having said all that, I do think that several factors lead to my wanting this baby. Probably some kind of natural maternal instinct was involved, but that certainly wasn't everything. I knew I had a great partner. I knew he was supportive. I knew we could provide a child with a home and with everything else necessary. I was about to turn 30.
The thing is, I've had pregnancy scares earlier in my life, when all of the above things were not true. I don't know that I would have made the same decision back then. I am happy it turned out that I didn't have to.
I believe that choosing abortion can be the most responsible choice. Early in my pregnancy, both my boyfriend and I had doubts sometimes that we were doing the right thing by choosing to have this baby. We turned to our families for advice and they were all very supportive, which was helpful. But every situation is different, and I believe that women must have the right to make her own choice in this matter.
Pregnancy is tough. I've had to cut back on my hours at work, and I sure do miss the money I used to make. I'm giving up living here in New Orleans, my favorite city in the world, my chosen home for almost eight years, to move in with my boyfriend near Baton Rouge because he owns a house and I do not. I've postponed my grad school plans.
I chose to make all of these changes in my life. I would not appreciate being forced to do so.
That's my story, and that's why I'm pro-choice.
I have composed several posts in my head but none here. Bad Bridget.
Anyway, on to the topic in the title.
I just read this article via Feministe, it's written by a woman who works as an abortion provider. It has inspired me to share my story.
When I suspected that I was pregnant this past November, my boyfriend told me that he would support me in any choice I wanted to make. He knew I was applying to grad programs and he didn't want me to have to give that up to have a baby if I wasn't ready. But we both also knew we wanted children. The question was, is now the time?
Our relationship was (and still is) relatively new, and we are not married.
I honestly did not know what I would choose to do if I turned out to be pregnant. But after experiencing several signs that indicated that I might be, I bought a home test. I remember talking to a friend once a few years ago, who was telling me about her first pregnancy, when she was still a teenager. She said, "once you see the positive test, something in you changes immediately." Her words were in my head as I unlocked my door, returning from Walgreens with my pregnancy test in hand. I took the test, and got a plus sign.
I know not everyone's experiences are similar, but for me, my friend's words turned out to be true. Once I saw that sign (which showed up IMMEDIATELY), something transformed in me. In fact, I somewhat bizarrely became terrified of having a miscarriage, even though just minutes before I'd been hoping the test would come out negative and I could continue with my life as usual.
Having said all that, I do think that several factors lead to my wanting this baby. Probably some kind of natural maternal instinct was involved, but that certainly wasn't everything. I knew I had a great partner. I knew he was supportive. I knew we could provide a child with a home and with everything else necessary. I was about to turn 30.
The thing is, I've had pregnancy scares earlier in my life, when all of the above things were not true. I don't know that I would have made the same decision back then. I am happy it turned out that I didn't have to.
I believe that choosing abortion can be the most responsible choice. Early in my pregnancy, both my boyfriend and I had doubts sometimes that we were doing the right thing by choosing to have this baby. We turned to our families for advice and they were all very supportive, which was helpful. But every situation is different, and I believe that women must have the right to make her own choice in this matter.
Pregnancy is tough. I've had to cut back on my hours at work, and I sure do miss the money I used to make. I'm giving up living here in New Orleans, my favorite city in the world, my chosen home for almost eight years, to move in with my boyfriend near Baton Rouge because he owns a house and I do not. I've postponed my grad school plans.
I chose to make all of these changes in my life. I would not appreciate being forced to do so.
That's my story, and that's why I'm pro-choice.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Reviews of pregnancy books
I missed yoga yesterday, but it was for a good reason...I got a glimpse of my future child! I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and I decided to wait till to see the ultrasound before spreading the news far and wide. Well, I'm happy to report that all appears to be well with the kidlet.
I found out that I was pregnant in late November, and it was a bit of a shock. I've always wanted kids, but wasn't planning on it right now because I was applying to grad programs and my relationship with my boyfriend is relatively new. But we both found ourselves to be quite happy with the news, after all, and are making the necessary adjustments to our lives to accommodate this new little person.
One of the first things we did was head to the bookstore, because I wanted as much information as possible, and my obsessive Googling wasn't quite cutting it.
My boyfriend and I sat in the bookstore for quite a while, flipping though various books. I joked that I was looking for one called Your Vegan, Feminist, Unplanned Pregnancy, but, sadly, that one doesn't seem to have been written yet.
On that first visit, I bought two weekly pregnancy guides, so I could compare their advice (yeah, I'm weird like that):
Pregnancy: Your Ultimate Week-By-Week Pregnancy Guide by Dr. Laura Riley, OB/GYN
This one has some neat extras, like a due date determining wheel and beautiful photographs of fetuses. The information is laid out well and fairly comprehensive. I also like that the author uses the word "partner" instead of husband and routinely acknowledges the existence of single moms as well.
Your Pregnancy: Week By Week by Glade B. Curtis, MD, MPH and Judith Schuler, MS
This one has similar information to Riley's book, but seems to focus more on the medical side of things than emotional issues. One thing I like about it are detailed drawings of the fetus for each week, including one that is actual size.
When I visited my midwife for the first time, her office gave me a big stack of parenting magazines and this book for free:
What To Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel
This book has a ton of info and I can see why it is the top go-to guide for that reason, BUT I have a couple of issues with it. First, they have a note in the beginning saying that they in no way intend to exclude single or unmarried moms, but they're going to use the word "spouse" throughout the book anyway, and you should fill in whatever applies to you if that particular word does not (I'm paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it). It may seem like a small issue, but I don't see why they couldn't use the word "partner." I believe almost half of the babies born in the U.S. are born to unmarried moms. Also, the information is organized in a manner I find somewhat hard to follow at times, but I guess that's what the index is for.
I found all three of the above books to be helpful info-wise, but they also sometimes freak me out with their detailed descriptions of everything that could possibly go wrong, even some things that, upon further research, I found out are VERY rare. Now, I know they want to be thorough, but I often feel anxious reading about all that stuff. They also focus a LOT on how important it is to gain the exact perfect amount of weight, which I personally feel like I have little control over right now. I mean, I eat really healthy food for the most part, but there are times when I feel voraciously hungry, and other times (thankfully, this phase seems to be passing) when I feel so nauseated that I really don't want to eat anything.
Then I remembered hearing about this other book, which I didn't find at the bookstore but easily acquired from Amazon:
From The Hips by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris
Finally, a book that really seems to get it! The layout of this book is really cool, with neat drawings of pregnant women of various shapes, sizes and ethnicities (the three aforementioned books had white women on the covers and no other pictures of women in the text). They mention gay people! And single moms! And the best part is, they have lots of quotes from anonymous parents, that show the true diversity of the pregnancy experience. It's not all sunshine and joy and flowers - they address fears about losing your freedom, worries about your body and your relationship...all kinds of stuff. This book is not as thorough as the others when it comes to medical info, but it covers the basics, and for emotional info, it is BY FAR the best. It also addresses a lot of parenting issues for after the baby is born.
I can't seem to stop reading pregnancy books (though I'm also hooked on the new Jonathan Franzen novel, I must admit), so I'm sure I'll have more book reviews in the future!
I found out that I was pregnant in late November, and it was a bit of a shock. I've always wanted kids, but wasn't planning on it right now because I was applying to grad programs and my relationship with my boyfriend is relatively new. But we both found ourselves to be quite happy with the news, after all, and are making the necessary adjustments to our lives to accommodate this new little person.
One of the first things we did was head to the bookstore, because I wanted as much information as possible, and my obsessive Googling wasn't quite cutting it.
My boyfriend and I sat in the bookstore for quite a while, flipping though various books. I joked that I was looking for one called Your Vegan, Feminist, Unplanned Pregnancy, but, sadly, that one doesn't seem to have been written yet.
On that first visit, I bought two weekly pregnancy guides, so I could compare their advice (yeah, I'm weird like that):
Pregnancy: Your Ultimate Week-By-Week Pregnancy Guide by Dr. Laura Riley, OB/GYN
This one has some neat extras, like a due date determining wheel and beautiful photographs of fetuses. The information is laid out well and fairly comprehensive. I also like that the author uses the word "partner" instead of husband and routinely acknowledges the existence of single moms as well.
Your Pregnancy: Week By Week by Glade B. Curtis, MD, MPH and Judith Schuler, MS
This one has similar information to Riley's book, but seems to focus more on the medical side of things than emotional issues. One thing I like about it are detailed drawings of the fetus for each week, including one that is actual size.
When I visited my midwife for the first time, her office gave me a big stack of parenting magazines and this book for free:
What To Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel
This book has a ton of info and I can see why it is the top go-to guide for that reason, BUT I have a couple of issues with it. First, they have a note in the beginning saying that they in no way intend to exclude single or unmarried moms, but they're going to use the word "spouse" throughout the book anyway, and you should fill in whatever applies to you if that particular word does not (I'm paraphrasing, but that is the gist of it). It may seem like a small issue, but I don't see why they couldn't use the word "partner." I believe almost half of the babies born in the U.S. are born to unmarried moms. Also, the information is organized in a manner I find somewhat hard to follow at times, but I guess that's what the index is for.
I found all three of the above books to be helpful info-wise, but they also sometimes freak me out with their detailed descriptions of everything that could possibly go wrong, even some things that, upon further research, I found out are VERY rare. Now, I know they want to be thorough, but I often feel anxious reading about all that stuff. They also focus a LOT on how important it is to gain the exact perfect amount of weight, which I personally feel like I have little control over right now. I mean, I eat really healthy food for the most part, but there are times when I feel voraciously hungry, and other times (thankfully, this phase seems to be passing) when I feel so nauseated that I really don't want to eat anything.
Then I remembered hearing about this other book, which I didn't find at the bookstore but easily acquired from Amazon:
From The Hips by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris
Finally, a book that really seems to get it! The layout of this book is really cool, with neat drawings of pregnant women of various shapes, sizes and ethnicities (the three aforementioned books had white women on the covers and no other pictures of women in the text). They mention gay people! And single moms! And the best part is, they have lots of quotes from anonymous parents, that show the true diversity of the pregnancy experience. It's not all sunshine and joy and flowers - they address fears about losing your freedom, worries about your body and your relationship...all kinds of stuff. This book is not as thorough as the others when it comes to medical info, but it covers the basics, and for emotional info, it is BY FAR the best. It also addresses a lot of parenting issues for after the baby is born.
I can't seem to stop reading pregnancy books (though I'm also hooked on the new Jonathan Franzen novel, I must admit), so I'm sure I'll have more book reviews in the future!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Personal experience, playback, and talking to men about feminism
I read this post on Feministe called Unreality and the Politics of Experience (go read it!) and it was interesting timing, considering some other things that have been bouncing around in my head for the past couple of days.
In the post, Chally talks about having her personal experiences questioned, and how she thinks this practice helps to reinforce oppression. And I agree. In the comment section, a disagreement began over whether Chally is advocating for validation, and against "rational thought."
What's interesting to me is that the "rational thought/debate" model is the type of discussion that is more closely associated with males, and the "emotional support" model is the type of discussion that is more closely associated with females. Is this a coincidence? Nope, it's patriarchy.
The best explanation of the concept of patriarchy that I've ever encountered (and I forget where, so I can't give anyone credit for this) is "that which is associated with maleness is valued over that which is associated with femaleness." Note that it's not necessarily saying "men are valued over women," it's more complicated than that.
Recently I was trying to explain to a man who is very dear to me how I personally feel about feminism. I ended up getting emotional about it because it's an emotionally loaded topic for me, and because our discussion was frustrating for me because I felt that his focus on bringing up his points of disagreement with feminism was causing him to not really listen to me. He seemed genuinely surprised that I was upset, because he thought we were having "an intellectual discussion." And we were, but for me, it was also a discussion about my personal experiences, and talking about my personal experiences can make me emotional.
Many men I've encountered are far more comfortable with conversation that could be described as "intellectual," "rational," or a "debate." My dad is a prime example of this. He loves to argue about anything and everything. If you agree with him, he'll change to the opposite view, to try to steer the conversation back to debate. But my dad, and many other men, are far less comfortable talking about anything involving feelings. Whether this has something to do with biology, or is purely based on cultural messages about what it means to be a man, it definitely seems to be a strong pattern.
My issue (and this is where patriarchy comes in) is that emotionless, intellectual debate is often presented as the correct way to talk about issues, and personal experience and emotions are portrayed as inferior and less important. And from this comes the tendency to argue with someone's interpretation of something that happened to them.
I'm not saying we should never question someone's interpretation of their personal experience. But I think that questioning should only happen after listening and trying to understand where that person is coming from.
Most of us are taught how to debate more than we're taught to relate. I'm not sure about you, but my high school didn't have an Empathy Team. I think if there were such a thing as an Empathy Team, though, it would look a lot like a Playback Theater troupe.
In Playback Theater, we "play back" stories and experiences offered by audience members. When you're a player, you stand silently on the stage (in "neutral" position...always a challenge for me) and listen while the audience member (called "the teller") tells their story. You have to pay attention, or you'll be screwed when you try to play it back. You also can't talk at this point, so you can't argue with them. I admit, I have stood there listening to black tellers talking about an experience with racism, and felt an impulse to say something along the lines of "maybe your boss didn't mean it that way...I'm sure she wasn't trying to be racist...are you sure that's what she said?" That impulse came from a place of being uncomfortable with what I was hearing and wishing it could somehow be explained away. But, because of the nature of the form, I was not able to voice any of this (thank God), and instead I just had to listen. And then I had to validate the teller's experience by playing back their story. And you know what? I've learned a hell of a lot through this process.
I believe that learning to listen and empathize is just as important as learning to debate and justify one's position. It frustrates me that the latter is often thought of as more valuable. Trying to change that is one of the reasons I am a feminist. It's also one of the reasons I am an artist.
In the post, Chally talks about having her personal experiences questioned, and how she thinks this practice helps to reinforce oppression. And I agree. In the comment section, a disagreement began over whether Chally is advocating for validation, and against "rational thought."
What's interesting to me is that the "rational thought/debate" model is the type of discussion that is more closely associated with males, and the "emotional support" model is the type of discussion that is more closely associated with females. Is this a coincidence? Nope, it's patriarchy.
The best explanation of the concept of patriarchy that I've ever encountered (and I forget where, so I can't give anyone credit for this) is "that which is associated with maleness is valued over that which is associated with femaleness." Note that it's not necessarily saying "men are valued over women," it's more complicated than that.
Recently I was trying to explain to a man who is very dear to me how I personally feel about feminism. I ended up getting emotional about it because it's an emotionally loaded topic for me, and because our discussion was frustrating for me because I felt that his focus on bringing up his points of disagreement with feminism was causing him to not really listen to me. He seemed genuinely surprised that I was upset, because he thought we were having "an intellectual discussion." And we were, but for me, it was also a discussion about my personal experiences, and talking about my personal experiences can make me emotional.
Many men I've encountered are far more comfortable with conversation that could be described as "intellectual," "rational," or a "debate." My dad is a prime example of this. He loves to argue about anything and everything. If you agree with him, he'll change to the opposite view, to try to steer the conversation back to debate. But my dad, and many other men, are far less comfortable talking about anything involving feelings. Whether this has something to do with biology, or is purely based on cultural messages about what it means to be a man, it definitely seems to be a strong pattern.
My issue (and this is where patriarchy comes in) is that emotionless, intellectual debate is often presented as the correct way to talk about issues, and personal experience and emotions are portrayed as inferior and less important. And from this comes the tendency to argue with someone's interpretation of something that happened to them.
I'm not saying we should never question someone's interpretation of their personal experience. But I think that questioning should only happen after listening and trying to understand where that person is coming from.
Most of us are taught how to debate more than we're taught to relate. I'm not sure about you, but my high school didn't have an Empathy Team. I think if there were such a thing as an Empathy Team, though, it would look a lot like a Playback Theater troupe.
In Playback Theater, we "play back" stories and experiences offered by audience members. When you're a player, you stand silently on the stage (in "neutral" position...always a challenge for me) and listen while the audience member (called "the teller") tells their story. You have to pay attention, or you'll be screwed when you try to play it back. You also can't talk at this point, so you can't argue with them. I admit, I have stood there listening to black tellers talking about an experience with racism, and felt an impulse to say something along the lines of "maybe your boss didn't mean it that way...I'm sure she wasn't trying to be racist...are you sure that's what she said?" That impulse came from a place of being uncomfortable with what I was hearing and wishing it could somehow be explained away. But, because of the nature of the form, I was not able to voice any of this (thank God), and instead I just had to listen. And then I had to validate the teller's experience by playing back their story. And you know what? I've learned a hell of a lot through this process.
I believe that learning to listen and empathize is just as important as learning to debate and justify one's position. It frustrates me that the latter is often thought of as more valuable. Trying to change that is one of the reasons I am a feminist. It's also one of the reasons I am an artist.
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