An uphill battle

8 months after giving birth, I'm now within about 5lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight. Losing the weight (50lbs!) felt rather slow at times, especially because I was hoping breastfeeding would make the pounds "just fall off" as so many women attest...but that didn't really happen for me. I lost a good bit of it in the past two months, which I think is due to working more, which involves more physical activity.

Anyway, I'm now satisfied with the number on the scale, but not so much with what I see in the mirror. Back before I got pregnant, I had a fair amount of muscle from work and exercise, and people often guessed I weighed about 15lbs less than I actually did, probably due to that "muscle weighs more than fat" thing. Well, now I'd like some of that muscle back!

I try not to get too caught up in body image stuff, because I don't want to be vain or shallow. But there are just so many things I prefer about having a lean, strong body. One major thing I've noticed is how different everything feels when you have weak abdominal muscles. I feel that my posture suffers and my lower back hurts more. I'd also prefer not to have my thighs touch each other.

I'd like to get back into Spinning, but I must admit I'm afraid of no longer being good at it. For years, I felt like a Spinning class star. I know, it's rather silly. But I don't want to go back to the red-faced, winded person I was at my first Spinning class seven years ago!

So I've begun doing more cardio workouts on the elliptical machine, with the goal of working myself back into some semblance of shape before I attempt a Spinning class. I'm also enjoying yoga and, of course, walking outside in this all-too-brief spring weather.

At the moment, however, I'm eagerly anticipating Anton's next nap, and I plan to join him.

The state of me.

For the first time in nearly a year, I am starting to feel "myself" physically. My energy level is up, I have a spring in my step when I walk, all that good stuff.

I have friends who are pregnant now who seem to be feeling fine, and maybe I'm just a whiny baby, but really from the beginning of my pregnancy I started feeling like crap, and pretty much felt that way to varying degrees until, oh, now (over 2 months since I gave birth).

I felt big and sluggish and tired throughout my pregnancy. Then I had to heal from a c-section while caring for a newborn. It's good to put all that behind me. I've been taking daily walks with Anton in the baby carrier. I'd enjoy some different scenery than this subdivision, but at least the weather is nice.

It's odd to me that I can both adore my baby to bits and miss him when I'm away from him for, like, an hour (which is pretty much the longest I've been away from him), AND at the same time miss my "old life." But, that's where I'm at.

Last night, I had quite the ordeal, trying out a new recipe for dinner that turned out to be more complicated than I'd anticipated. Anton was tired but only sleeping in 10 minute increments, then screaming for me, then I'd nurse him, then back to sleep (for 10 minutes). It was really frustrating and cooking dinner took forever. After we'd finally eaten, I felt so exhausted by the whole thing...then I felt depressed that the central challenge of my life these days is cooking dinner with an infant. This time last year, I was working on my Fringe Festival show.

I'm going to try venturing out for longer periods of time, so I can do more creative stuff. I plan to start attending writer's group again, while David watches Anton. I have a lot of pumped milk stashed in my freezer and Anton has been okay with a bottle the few times we've tested it out. I'm hoping to start doing some massage soon, as well.

I've been trying to write, but I can basically only do it when Anton naps, which is also when I need to do laundry (cloth diapers = lots of laundry), eat, cook, etc. I got a dictation app for my iPhone, I'm going to try writing via dictation while nursing. We'll see.

I go crazy without creative outlets. I'd love some tips from experienced artist moms on how to make this work!

What I fantasize about.

1. A big glass of wine.

I know some people do have the occasional glass of wine during pregnancy, but I worry too much, so I've only had random stolen sips of other people's wine since November. I love wine so much and I really, really miss it! I hear it's OK to have a little wine while nursing. So I do look forward to drinking wine again in a few weeks.

2. Intense cardio.


Lately, whenever I see fit women out running, I am overcome with envy. And here's the thing: I never enjoyed running. Also, this is Louisiana and it's insanely hot out. I'm sure I wouldn't be out running even if I wasn't pregnant. But it bothers me that I physically can't run these days without discomfort. My cell phone doesn't work in my house, so the closest thing to running I do these days is a mad dash to locate the ringing phone and get out to the patio in time to answer it before the call drops (thanks, AT&T). And even that leaves me out of breath and sometimes gives me a side stitch.

I also miss Spinning, and thinking about it makes me sad, because I really miss my awesome Spin instructor whose class I'll probably never take again (due to my relocation from NOLA), and my friend that used to go with me every week. I've still got the friend, but our years-long Spinning & Brunch ritual is over.


I want the struggle, the endorphin rush, the feeling of accomplishment that intense cardio gave me. Yoga is great for other reasons, but it's not the same.

3. Tomatoes.They give me heartburn now. I can only eat very small amounts of them. Which sucks, because I make an amazing marinara sauce that I could pretty much eat daily. Yet, the last time I ate it, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like weasels were trying to fight their way out of my stomach via my throat. I guess it's not so bad that my garden was such a failure this year!

My adventures with pregnancy workout DVDs

Before getting knocked up, as I think I've mentioned here before, I was a huge fan of Spinning classes. I probably haven't been to a Spinning class since October of 2010. Now, I have no gym membership. When I lived in NOLA, I walked a lot, to do errands and for exercise (at Audubon Park). Now, I don't have a park quite as accessible to me (there are some nice ones in Baton Rouge, but they require a drive). Also, it is getting HOT outside. Yay Louisiana!

My solution: DVD workouts. I have three so far. I've found yoga to be really helpful in easing my back pain and anxiety, so I bought two of those:

Crunch Yoga Mama Prenatal Workout
This is a nice workout for the beginning of the day. The pace is gentle, but there are some great poses for loosening the hip area. This instructor is the kind of yoga instructor I prefer for an in-person class, too - she comes across as calm, friendly, and not show-offy or competitive. For those who are very experienced in yoga (I am not), this DVD might not be challenging enough. But I enjoy it, and I feel great afterward!

Prenatal Yoga with Shiva Rea
This one is a bit more challenging, but very easy to customize - there are 3 ladies, one from each trimester, wearing different colored full-body leotards! It's kind of funny. I found this one a little harder to follow the first time I did it, and had to pause the DVD a few times. It uses more props - blocks, strap, and a chair. Overall, I think it's great, but there are a couple of small issues I have: 1) you are supposed to breathe evenly, yet if I followed her "inhale...exhale" commands, I would not be breathing evenly AT ALL...so I ignore them, and 2) instead of mats, the ladies on the DVD are practicing on these lovely large square rugs...when I work on a sticky mat I have to change its direction sometimes so I can still see the TV.

My third DVD is more of a toning workout:

The Perfect Pregnancy Workout Vol.1
Before doing this workout for the first time yesterday, I was able to convince myself that I was still in fairly reasonable shape. HA. Not so much, apparently. I'm still doing some massage, so I figured my upper body strength was still decent. I also figured I still had a fair amount of stamina and endurance. When I saw that there were two levels for the workout (Beginner and Advanced), I figured I'd be Advanced. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. I mostly followed the Beginner instructions (though I did use dumbbells for the arm exercises) and it was STILL a challenge! In all fairness, when my baby's dad saw the intro portion to this DVD he commented that this woman, while pregnant, could probably kick his ass. She is BUILT. She is also lovely and has a cute accent. And makes me feel like a slouch. Well, now I have a new workout goal, and that is to do this DVD at least once a week for as long as possible. If I can manage to do that, surely I can manage to push this baby out!